~ 5/5/26 ~
Possible
trigger warning for SI
(I promise this entry is positive)
I have made my glorious return to this beloved site
of mine. I have grown so much in the past year.
I am proud of myself for making it this far and for
putting in the hard work to become the person I am.
I am also so fucking fortunate to have the friends
and support system that I have built up these past
fleeting months. I love my job at the library, I have
so much love overflowing from my being to pour into
my loved ones, and I have genuine respect for myself.
Thinking back on where I was when I first built this
site -- I was at a point in my life where my future
was not planned and I was at a point of stagnation.
I had just started therapy with my new therapist due
to a few traumatic events taking place earlier that
year, I was stranded back at home since I withdrew
from college, and I felt so stuck. Coding this site
made me feel like less of a bed blob and gave me
purpose during that idle portion of my time.
I am actually glad that my life events worked out
the way that they did in order to lead me to meeting
my favorite people and getting the job I have now.
I know that in the moment of those emotionally
straining times I definitely did not expect such
beauty to blossom from my pain, but I'm so grateful
that I kept on going (despite my reckless efforts)
If you're reading this and you're also going through
difficult times, this is my message to you to keep going.
To keep going on for those little moments of beauty
and light, whatever that may be to you. Even if it's
something as simple as to hear the sound of the leaves
rustling in the wind or to feel the touch of a loved one.
~ 6/2/25 ~
I have felt such a strong surge of creativity
within myself lately. Since starting my website
and working on it bit by bit each day, I feel as
if the creative part of my brain (which was dormant
for too long) has awakened and is thriving. The
projects that I have been putting off for so long
now don't seem as daunting to me and actually give
me a rush of excitement and joy. I have been feeling
actual pure joy lately and I am deciding to not take
that for granted (since my year started off with a few
months of what I guess one could call a joy drought,
but I digress).
Last night I worked on one of the projects that I've
been putting off for a bit. I have been wanting to make
my own patches for my winter coat to give it a more crust
punk look, so I decided I would use some scrap fabric
that I had lying around and paint some designs on them.
The brushes that I have are shit, so it was difficult
to paint straight lines, but they got the job done.
I only made a few, but I plan on making more soon.
I will also embroider them onto my jacket when I
finish making them all. Here's a pic of them:
~ 5/29/25 ~
I have been enjoying the sound of the rain hitting
my window the past few days while I code. The rain
wasn't always a comfort of mine, I actually used to
be afraid of rainstorms (especially if there was
lightning and thunder). It was only within the past
few years that my appreciation for the rain has grown.
It's a bit strange to me because I don't have very many
fears or dislikes, so thinking about my dislike of the
rain makes little sense to me now. I guess my fear or
dislike was rooted in my fear of loud noises and the
sensory hell that is being soaking wet in the rain.
I still have sensory issues with being in the rain,
but I am now more aware of my sensory limits and
can chill in the rain for a bit now.
